What to say when you open up about narcissistic abuse and someone defends him.
Your friend remembers how he made everyone laugh at dinner. You remember the drive home, when he demanded to see your phone and called you names because you’d been talking to someone at the table.
A few days later, you finally tell her about the drive.
“But he’s always been so nice to me,” she says.
“I know,” you hear yourself say. And suddenly you’re the one reassuring her about him.
If that moment feels familiar, you’re not imagining how hard it is. You found the courage to say something real, and within a minute you were back to protecting his image. That reflex makes sense. You may have been doing it for a long time.
Why she sees a different man
Your friend may be picturing the man who helped her move or remembered to call after her surgery. Those moments tell her how he treated her. You’re telling her what happened when the two of you were alone. Controlling behavior is often much easier to see from inside a relationship than from across a dinner table. The National Domestic Violence Hotline on narcissism and abuse
Both things can be true. He can be charming at a party and frightening in the car. Her experience of him doesn’t cancel yours.
Keep the focus on what happened
If the conversation gets stuck on whether he’s a narcissist, you don’t have to win that debate. Bring it back to one thing he did and what it cost you:
“Every time I went out with friends, he called me over and over until I answered. After a while, I started saying no to dinner because it was easier than dealing with the calls.”
A label invites an argument. A specific moment is much harder to dismiss.
What to say when someone defends him
In the moment, it can be hard to find the words. Borrow any of these and make them sound like you.
- “But he’s always been so nice to me.” “I know he has. Can I finish telling you what happened on the way home?”
- “Are you sure that’s what he meant?” “I don’t know what he meant. I know I spent the rest of the drive afraid to say anything.”
- “Every couple fights.” “This didn’t feel like a fight. It felt like I had to be careful about everything I said.”
- “Maybe I should talk to him.” “Please don’t call him or tell him we talked. Right now I’m asking you to listen.”
If the conversation starts to feel like a debate, you can end it with, “I think I’ve shared enough for today.” You are allowed to stop.
Choose someone who can hold what you tell them
Not everyone in your life is the right person for this conversation, and that says nothing about whether your experience is real. Ask yourself: Who has kept my confidence before? Who listens before offering advice?
It might be a friend outside your shared circle, a sister, or a domestic violence advocate. If you’ve been out of touch for a while, you can start with, “I know it’s been a while. Could we talk privately? There’s something about my relationship I’ve been trying to find the words for.”
If you’re the friend she calls
Try, “I’m glad you told me. What would help right now?” She may want you to listen, sit with her, or check in later. Ask before you act, and let her decide what happens next. The National Domestic Violence Hotline on responding when someone asks for help
A note on safety
If you’re worried about what might happen if your partner finds out you reached out, a domestic violence advocate can help you think through a safer way to get support. If you think your phone or computer is monitored, use a device he can’t access. What to expect when you contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline
If the first conversation didn’t go well
If that first conversation left you wishing you’d stayed quiet, take your time. One person’s reaction doesn’t decide whether you deserve to be heard. When you’re ready, you can start smaller: “Something happened on the way home that night. Can I tell you about it?”
The right person will meet you there with, “Yes. I’m listening.”
Not sure where to start? My free guide, Finding Yourself Again, is for women who are ready to stop letting the past write their future. Get the free guide here.
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